Looking Too Closely
by Zyruuu
Summary: AU of 13.22 Exodus - Gabe's eyes also showed love and determination. The determination to protect and uphold a duty of care. Love – for Sam and his new friends, but also for his distant brothers. The love in his eyes showed despair, for his twisted, fragmented family. [Sam & Gabriel]


**The title comes from Fink - 'Looking Too Closely'**

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Everyone decided to stop for the night after rescuing Ketch and Charlie; when they had roughly thirteen hours until the rift closed. They were obviously running out of time, but everyone was getting antsy. There were two archangels and a seraph in close quarters to a large group of people who have been fighting a war with angels, demons, _and_ monsters for the past fifteen years, not to mention that one of the said archangels is literally _Satan_ himself; it's no wonder they're on edge. They stop, for food and toilet breaks, rest, and most of all, space.

Dean and Bobby seemed to be warming up to each other rather quickly. They were repairing the bus, bonding in ways their Bobby did with Dean. Sam was ecstatic, grateful even, for another chance to see Bobby again, but it wasn't _him_. This wasn't the Bobby who risked his afterlife for Dean, the Bobby who helped them survive _their_ apocalypse. He was happy that they were saving the camp, and getting Bobby back; for Dean's sake, and apparently his mom's, but he felt something in his stomach sink when he thought of the consequences that bringing souls over that already exist, or don't exist.

Jack seemed, well, _flighty_. A trait he shared with his uncle, Sam thought, reminded of all the times Gabriel ran away from them and his own family; running from the conflict and despair it brought. They appeared to be more alike with each passing moment, more so than Lucifer and Jack were.

Jack was loitering around Lucifer, probably trying to learn as much as he could from his _father_. Sam shuddered, he'd rather have Jack learn from Gabriel, no matter how fucked up his lessons had been in the past. Gabriel had good intentions back when he and Dean were practically kids, but he totally went about it the wrong way. Sam had forgiven him a long time ago; he needed too. They had bigger issues to deal with at the time. If circumstances were different, he could really see Gabe and Jack getting on amazingly.

He didn't want to admit it, but he was also a smidge jealous. He was the one who was there for Jack at the beginning; when Cas was gone, and Dean was being a total dick. He hates that Jack forsook his real family for fucking _Lucifer_. He could see Cas lurking a bit behind them, making sure Lucifer wasn't talking crap. It was risky, having Jack so close to the prince of lies, but they weren't going to be able to stop Jack without turning him against them.

Sam wanted so badly to tell Jack all that Lucifer had done, as the kid was only aware of the events that happened in the Bible, but Sam just… _couldn't_. He couldn't get the words out. He'd been close when he was speaking with Rowena, but even then, he couldn't. Castiel may have removed his hallucinations, but that didn't remove the memories. He could tell Dean had wanted to shout what Lucifer did at Jack, but after a deathly stare from him _and_ Cas, he shut up. Dean had no right to discuss his issues when he didn't _get_ it. Cas got it, somewhat, but one hundred and eighty years in the cage couldn't be shown in shitty hallucinations; the hallucinations were nothing compared to the actual memories of the pit.

Sam left them to walk around the edge of the camp. He wasn't feeling too well, but he just guessed it was the air or something. Apocalypse world was unnaturally dark and pale, it stank in a way that your soul recoil. The sky itself was dim, so dim that the only way to tell if there were clouds was if the moon was out, providing its light.

Hunters from the camp were guarding the perimeter, as was Gabe. The archangel was perched on a rock holding an angel blade, staring up at the starless sky.

"Hey."

Gabriel didn't turn completely, seemingly mesmerised by whatever it is he could see. "Heya, Sam."

"You alright?" Sam sat next to the shorter man.

The corner of Gabriel's mouth twitched. "I could ask the same of you," he said softly, still not making eye contact.

Sam fiddled with the zip of his borrowed jacket, "I'll be okay."

"Will you?" Gabriel finally turned to face him. "You died."

"Yeah."

"Lucifer is here."

"Yeah."

"I can't kill him."

"I know."

Sam looked him dead in the eye as the said the last part. Gabriel feared Sam would be angry and disappointed, he feared he'd lash out like Dean did; but his eyes were filled with sympathy and understanding.

At Gabe's teary look, Sam continued, "he's your big brother."

"He's the devil."

"He raised you."

"_So_?!" Gabriel stood up angrily, "if I had stayed instead of faking my death, you wouldn't have had to take that _stupid_, fucked up leap of faith into the pit."

"Gabe –"

"No – you were down there for more than a century. I know what he's like, I-I _watched_ him turn into a monster. He was the reason I left Heaven," he sighed. "I look at you and I see how scared you are. You don't talk about it because you physically can't get the words out your throat. Every time you think about it you wanna vomit, you gag, you-you just want to sit in the corner and cry and hide from everything because its all just too much. You can't take it; the screaming, the pain, the attention… You bottle it all up and you have been ever since you got out the cage."

Sam grew tense, "Gabriel."

"Look at you!" Gabe ignored his warning as he gestured to Sam's slumped form. "You're the greatest man I've ever met. You've been through so much, yet you just keep on fighting. You are literally what dad wanted from humanity."

"I'm not… I _deserved_ the cage."

"Why? Because you let him out? Sorry to burst your bubble, Sam, but the angels manipulated you and your brother into doing that."

"If I didn't deserve the cage, then don't you ever blame yourself for me jumping in there."

"But if –"

"No, Gabe," Sam grabbed his shoulder, "he's your brother, your _family_. As much as he terrifies me and deserves to die, I never expected you to make that killing blow. I didn't expect you to do it then and I don't expect it now."

Gabriel's whole demeanour changed, "why? He's _Lucifer_. The epitome of darkness and fear, the _temptation_, the _serpent_. The monster under the bed–"

"To _me_. To humanity." Sam shot him a smile, "to you, he's the guy who took care of you and taught you to fly. Your Morningstar."

"How do you know that?"

Sam continued fidgeting with his zip. "He possessed me. I saw a lot in his, in _our_ head. I know that one of the things he regretted the most was killing you."

"Doesn't seem like it now."

"He's changed."

"Yeah. I can see that."

"I – I'm not trying to defend him. I've entertained the thought that Jack may be able to change him, but every time I do, I remember what he wanted. I remember his thought process, his motives. He wanted God to come back, but he didn't care about who was hurt in the process. He only sought attention from his family, you see. He wanted to be _right_. It was why he wanted to fight Michael, he thought God would return and stop them. Though," Sam shifted on the rock and cleared his throat. "I don't think he was ever gonna _kill_ Michael – when we were in the graveyard. Hurt him, yeah, but kill? Even Amara's influence wouldn't have had him do that. You, the other archangels, God and Amara. You were all… _family_ before humanity existed. You loved each other."

"I spent billions of years growing up and learning from Lucifer. Yet," Gabe shot him a pained smile, "you know him better than anyone, it seems. You know _me_."

"It's not that hard," Sam coughed. "You lot act more human than any of us."

Gabe shuddered, holding back a snort, "don't let Lucifer hear you say that."

"Yeah," Sam coughed again, covering his mouth with his fist.

"You alright?"

"Huh?" He cleared his throat again. "Y-Yeah."

They sat there looking at the empty sky for a while, both finding comfort in the other's presence. The silence was accepted and not awkward at all; they both have baggage, and they found solace in merely being with one another without the expectations of keeping a conversation. The quiet was interrupted by a cough from Sam every few minutes, but both he and Gabriel were lost in their thoughts. About the past, and what could have been.

Every so often, Sam would glance at the archangel. He had changed over the years, and that was to be expected. At least seven years of torture and Asmodeus draining him for maybe all that time, of course Gabriel would grow hardened and fear the world. Ever since Ketch rescued him, Gabriel hadn't relaxed, even in the bunker. Sam wasn't going to rush him though; he knew more than anyone that recovery took time. Hell, he was still recovering himself.

Gabriel's eyes flashed blue. "I only agreed to help you guys against Michael because he isn't _my_ Michael, you know that?"

"I figured," Sam stretched out his legs, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry about what happened to your Michael. He…"

"What, Sam?"

"He… Michael, he…"

Gabe was patient with Sam, understanding that what he was about to say wasn't pleasant to think about.

"It's alright, just breathe."

Sam followed his example to calm down. "Michael didn't… _hurt_ me. He just… he was so… depressed."

"In the…"

Sam nodded.

"…Michael's only ambition, his only directive, was to do what was best for his family, even if it meant cutting Lucifer out. God promised us paradise, and I don't think Michael, Raphael, or Lucifer forgot that. They let it go to their head, and with Lucifer's rebellion, they couldn't see that humans were a part _of_ paradise. We all wanted dad to come home…"

It was easy to forget that Gabriel was billions of years old; he was their _elder_ with the power of a trickster god and yet, he was helping these two little humans save their family, at the cost of his own.

"I'm sorry."

"S'not your fault."

"Doesn't matter. I think it's been a long time since anyone really understood you."

"Thanks," Gabriel's eyes flashed again.

"What are you doing?"

"Huh?" Gabe's face scrunched in confusion.

"Your eyes – they keep, flashing," Sam leaned forward to get a closer look as he explained.

"Ah," Gabe flicked Sam's shoulder to get him to back up. "I'm… I could sense other angels. We're not as extinct here."

"Right." Sam coughed and decided to do up his jacket. "Are you talking to them?"

Gabe raised his eyebrows at the question, "I'm tryin'. I think… I think I'm still alive in this world."

"Woah, really?"

"I'm struggling to differentiate them."

"Would you ever side with Michael? If there weren't any pagans or other options; what are the chances that you'd help do this?" Sam gestured around them. "The hunters don't seem afraid of you."

"If I didn't have any other choice than to die, I'd probably side with Michael, to be honest. I wouldn't agree or anything, but… I just wanted it to be over, Sam. I'd probably wait it out in heaven, on his side. It's cowardly, I know."

"I don't think you're a coward." Sam smiled softly, "I think you were abandoned and didn't know what to do."

"That's not exactly a great reason for letting the world end, you know."

Sam snorted, "it doesn't matter anyway. You helped in our world. You told us how to open the cage. I mean, sure – different and easier methods have shown themselves now, but at the time, it was all we had. So…" he rubbed his hands together to warm them up. "Thanks."

Gabriel didn't say anything, just stared at him with his soft, golden eyes filled with so many emotions that Sam struggled to keep track. Disbelief, mostly; like Gabe couldn't comprehend the tiny human in front of him. Guilt was there, for no justifiable reason in Sam's mind, it was in the past now, it couldn't be changed, not that Sam would change anything, mind you. The past defined him and everyone else. Mom wouldn't be back, and as much as he hates Lucifer, he would have Jack without him. Gabe's eyes also showed love and determination. The determination to protect and uphold a duty of care. Love – for Sam and his new friends, but also for his distant brothers. The love in his eyes showed despair, for his twisted, fragmented family.

Gabriel bit the inside of his cheek and turned away. "You're _waaay_ too nice, Sam. Dad knows why you were Lucifer's vessel. I mean – I know I said to play your roles _blah-blah-blah_ before, but still," he nervously scratched the back of his head. "You're nothing like him. Lucifer is brash and sadistic and, well, the literal definition of evil. But you, you're tall and sweet; and your heart exceeds the size of the sun! You were so careful when cutting the… stitches… I just… There's never gonna be anyone else like you, ever. You're one of a kind, you know – _Sam_?"

_Blood_ was leaking out the hunter's nose and his eyes were glossed over, unfocused. He was swaying slightly from where he was perched, and if Gabriel didn't rush forward to steady him, he would've fallen.

"Sam? Sam, c'mon, look at me, please?" Gabriel knelt on the ground when Sam leant forward, almost falling again. He had one hand on his shoulder, the other gently moving the hair out of his face. "Sam?"

"Hnngh… G'be?" Sam coughed; even more blood dribbled out from his lips. Gabriel pressed two fingers to Sam's forehead to try and heal him but flinched away from the hissing that Sam's soul made at the touch.

"_Sam_. You gotta let me help you. Something's wrong."

He snorted, "yeah," he coughed harder. "No shit…"

"Sam. Please. Let me see."

"I don… Don't…" Sam cringed back, leaning away from the youngest archangel. He groaned at his own movement, covering his mouth with his hand as he gagged.

Gabriel pressed the back of his own hand to Sam's forehead and frowned at the heat. "Oh, Sam…" He looked around him, seeing no one. "Damnit."

He began to panic as Sam grew worse; the hunter was now clutching his stomach and the blood was trailing down his face and into his mouth. Gabriel's eyes widened at the red patch that began to form around the left side Sam's neck, _right where he was bitten_, he noted with a grimace.

Sam needed help but Gabriel didn't know where Dean was or had any way to contact – _Angel radio_. Gabriel's eyes shone blue.

_Castiel._

_\- …Gabriel?_

_Sam's hurt. Where's Dean?_

_\- Hurt? Are you strong enough to heal him?_

_I tired. It just hurt him more. Where is Dean?_

_\- With Bobby, repairing the bus. Take him to the tent we took Charlie and Ketch. Mary is there._

_Thank you, brother._

_\- I will meet you there._

Gabriel unfurled his wings and flew away, Sam held tightly in his grasp.

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**this is def a twoshot but like,,,, can i be assed to write it? that is the question**  
**ill probably get it done in like,,, 4 years**  
**sad**


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